"You're almost 20, Alice. That face isn't going to last forever"

A title of a blog I never published. It made me chuckle on this holy day. Happy Single Awareness Day.

dedicated to the folks who birthed and raised me

Tonight I want to talk about the flip side of the coin. Although, as I have mentioned, this time of year is a tough one, at the same time, this time of the year in the life of this spinster is a joyous time of reflection. You see, my dear reader, my parents celebrate their anniversary on the eve of my least favorite holiday. This year they are supposed to exchange a pearl or a timepiece, which means, if you didn't click on the link, that they are celebrating their 31st year of marital bliss.

Tonight I got the opportunity to go home for Sunday dinner. As we all crowded around the "distressed" dinner table in the "cozy" dining room, I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed. I have grown accustom to my very quiet and peaceful lifestyle in my spinsterhood. Without huge crowds and small children, my Sundays are usually quite calm. This meal was quite the opposite. There were times that there were at least three different conversations all intertwined. Children were laughing, crying, and mumbling on all four sides. At one point I couldn't help but study my father amid all the chaos. Since his is the quite type in social situations, it is often difficult to know what he is thinking and feeling as he is perched in the corner. Tonight, I saw signs of serene contentment. I could tell that through all the noise, tipped over glasses, and mounds of dirty dishes, he was delighted to be in the company of the legacy that he and my mother started together three decades ago.

My parents' relationship gives me hope and faith that the wonderful young man who will love me for who I am is really out there somewhere. They have loved each other through thick and thin (literally and metaphorically :D). They have been committed be they rich or poor. Through every trial they have triumphed together.

I do not doubt that there have been some bumps in the road, be they major or minor. But the childlike part of me idolizes their relationship. Allow me to explain why.

• In my one week shy of 26 years of existence, I cannot recall a time when my parents fought in front of me. I am so thankful for the example they have shown in this respect. In addition, I am fairly confident that my father rarely, if ever, raises his voice at my mother. This act has given me the courage to demand that quality in my future spouse. I want a man like my father who will not yell at me.

• As much as it grosses me out, and I say that with love, my parents still show each other affection. They still hold hands and cuddle when they watch movies (even as I am typing this I am gagging a little). I have seen them hug and kiss more times than I care to count.

• They have silly nick names for each other.

• My mother has shown me that patience is key in a healthy relationship (seriously people, she is the absolute most patient human being I have ever known). My father has shown me that restraint and a willingness to compromise is also essential.

• They have shown me that differences can be strengths. And if both are committed to the relationship, all hurdles can be jumped over together.
• Family vacations have always gone awry. And yet, they always find a way to laugh about them. A fabulous sense of humor improves all situations.
• They lack jealousy. They saw very awkward things at the dinner table like, "I can look on the menu as long as I eat at home." In reference to being able to find others attractive. (No joke, this line came up tonight. And unfortunately, it wasn't the first time I have heard it.)
  

I am so thankful that they have kept their vows to each other. They have shown me that despite the odds, two people can fall in love, love each other through the most difficult of circumstances, and create an incredible family and legacy.

Thanks Mom and Dad for all that you have done to show me how to love.
Happy anniversary! Here's to another fantastic, be they rocky or carefree, 31 years.

The Vow

Warning: This post will not uplift as the last two did. Think of it as a journey down memory lane to the inception of this blog.

This time of the year is often a difficult time in the journey of a spinster. She is often left to reflect on how she got to where she is without someone by her side. Some may feel inclined to offer sage advice for the things that she does wrong. Certainly, the flaws that she must fix in order to snag the perfect mate. While others resign to admit defeat and encourage her to embrace the life given.

Regardless of the reaction of others, a movie, inspired by what most would call true love, divine love, unrequited love, has sparked today's thoughts.

I have often been told that fear and faith may not reside in the same body. Inevitably, one will over power the other. But which one? I try to convince myself that I am a creature of faith. But lately, I have been overcome with evident feelings of fear and doubt. And not just about love and my likelihood of ever finding it, but also my mind has been filled with a smattering of unrelenting questioning.

While I know some of you wonder what those questions are, since the season is one focused on love, those are the thoughts I wish to delve into and publish publicly for any and all to read.

My fear: I will never have someone who loves me for who I am (See the movie. Inspiring). Maybe that's because I haven't felt true to myself. I want to write. Desperately. I want to have the ability to share with others the written word that provokes thought. I hope to inspire. I want to see a witty title and below it read that it was written by me. I want to explore and travel. The idea of jumping out of a plane is desirable. I want to live in a city that makes me feel insignificant and struggle to survive. I want to struggle to discover who I am and what I truly believe. And I want to eat a lot of take out.

The truth: I am a coward. For reasons I haven't yet managed to pinpoint, I can't show people who I truly am. As I contemplate why, I wonder if I am afraid to take that risk. Why? Student loans have something to do with it. But also, rejection. What if's. But mostly? Fear. Fear of being alone. An island because no man in his right mind would want to embark on that journey with me and struggle with me. What self-respecting, faithful son of God would commit himself to a woman who is wracked with insecurity, fear and undeniable questions? So I live the life others seem to want me to live. Alone. Some day I hope to find the courage to do those things I want to do. But until then...

Dear reader, learn from my mistakes. Live the dream. Love the person who has committed to spend eternity with you. Appreciate him or her for who he or she really is. Think outside the box and live. Don't let fear trap you into a life you're not confident you want to live.