Warning: This post will not uplift as the last two did. Think of it as a journey down memory lane to the inception of this blog.
This time of the year is often a difficult time in the journey of a spinster. She is often left to reflect on how she got to where she is without someone by her side. Some may feel inclined to offer sage advice for the things that she does wrong. Certainly, the flaws that she must fix in order to snag the perfect mate. While others resign to admit defeat and encourage her to embrace the life given.
Regardless of the reaction of others, a movie, inspired by what most would call true love, divine love, unrequited love, has sparked today's thoughts.
I have often been told that fear and faith may not reside in the same body. Inevitably, one will over power the other. But which one? I try to convince myself that I am a creature of faith. But lately, I have been overcome with evident feelings of fear and doubt. And not just about love and my likelihood of ever finding it, but also my mind has been filled with a smattering of unrelenting questioning.
While I know some of you wonder what those questions are, since the season is one focused on love, those are the thoughts I wish to delve into and publish publicly for any and all to read.
My fear: I will never have someone who loves me for who I am (See the movie. Inspiring). Maybe that's because I haven't felt true to myself. I want to write. Desperately. I want to have the ability to share with others the written word that provokes thought. I hope to inspire. I want to see a witty title and below it read that it was written by me. I want to explore and travel. The idea of jumping out of a plane is desirable. I want to live in a city that makes me feel insignificant and struggle to survive. I want to struggle to discover who I am and what I truly believe. And I want to eat a lot of take out.
The truth: I am a coward. For reasons I haven't yet managed to pinpoint, I can't show people who I truly am. As I contemplate why, I wonder if I am afraid to take that risk. Why? Student loans have something to do with it. But also, rejection. What if's. But mostly? Fear. Fear of being alone. An island because no man in his right mind would want to embark on that journey with me and struggle with me. What self-respecting, faithful son of God would commit himself to a woman who is wracked with insecurity, fear and undeniable questions? So I live the life others seem to want me to live. Alone. Some day I hope to find the courage to do those things I want to do. But until then...
Dear reader, learn from my mistakes. Live the dream. Love the person who has committed to spend eternity with you. Appreciate him or her for who he or she really is. Think outside the box and live. Don't let fear trap you into a life you're not confident you want to live.
You ask which one will over power the other? The answer, Friend, is fear. Fear will overpower faith because fear is the easy way out, for fear requires no action. If we can't bring ourselves to act then we can't bring ourselves to express faith and fear will win. Fear becomes that paralyzing agent that keeps us from taking action and when we fail to act, we fail to grow. And when we fail to grow, we've become paralyzed. The amazing thing about this form of paralysis though is the ability to overcome it and return to a state of faith.
ReplyDeleteYou don't have to embark on grand adventures to discover who you are and what you believe. But if grand adventures are what you want, then go get them. Simply act. Sure student loans will stop you, but only for a short while. Don't allow other excuses to scare you away from the things you want to experience.
I'm not trying to advise you on how to overcome your single status, for that is not the concern with which you are most troubled. And I'm not trying to advise you to "embrace the life given" and "admit defeat". But I am going to tell you to rise up and act on all of the things you believe to be true. For it's in that action that faith will overcome fear; it's in taking action that you'll find an incredible journey of self-discovery.
I am not nearly as eloquent as Jalayne, nor do I have as great of thoughts to share with you. But I do say dream. Achieve your dreams. Big or small. You may not be able to accomplish all of your dreams, and as you grow and learn you may change your dreams. But accomplish all that you can in the meantime. I think you are doing some of this. You have run multiple marathons. That is not something someone who just sits on the sidelines living the life someone else expects for you would do. YOU did that. And I am amazingly proud of you for doing so.
ReplyDeleteAlso, my home is always open to you. Next time you need to feel small in a big city - I open my door to you! I would love for you to come out here!!!!!!
Dear Spinster,
ReplyDeleteI wish I would have read this last night when you were stuck in the mud of despair we all find ourselves in at times. I wish I could have written you words that would remind you of all this that you know, but we all forget in those moments. I apologize for not being there then, but I will write it now and demand you file it away and read it next time that hopeless hour finds you.
Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. – Ambrose Redmoon
No self-respecting, faithful son of God has ever found a woman who is free of insecurity, fear, and undeniable questions; further they aren’t void of them themselves. We all struggle and grow together. Fear may conquer some; that great deceiver may fool and rob too many of their hope, dreams, future, and faith, but not you. Faith will win because you are indeed a creature of faith, and furthermore faith in One who will never back out of this fight with you. We are all wracked with our different lots in life, but as hard as it is to see when they suck, they can refine instead of define us. They will you, I know that.
As for Mr. Everything it is not if, but when. Possibly 75 years (and I think it goes without saying that it is at no fault of your own.); but probably… today! I think we all know I’m not kidding. Trusting your unknown future to that known God (Corrie Ten Boom). I believe that as the why gets stronger the how gets easier and know you have the courage to live any dream you value despite any debt, fear, or obstacles you will face. You will live your dreams regardless of whether the beloved knucklehead is by your side; a great guy will be wild with you; you crazy lake-jumping woman.
This test; this crazy, tragic, sometimes almost magic, awful, beautiful life (Darryl Worley); will undoubtedly champion you into the woman you dream of being. All those promises you well know including the change of your and your blog’s name will be yours.
When I feel like I have lost the hope of things I know and vision of all that lies ahead for me I like to pull out the thought I will leave you with.
Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says… I’ll try again tomorrow. – Mary Anne Radmacher