I haven't ranted in over a month! This is a problem for me because I started this whole blog thing as an outlet for my deepest, darkest thoughts and feelings. Here's the reason why, I'm boring. I haven't been on a date since school started (got blown off for two, if that isn't any indication of my loser status I don't know what is), so I don't have much to talk about when it comes to being a twenty-something spinster. As such, I am feeling like I need a change of pace.
Recently I thought about my career choice and whether or not I am cut out for it. I have yet to come to a solid conclusion, but I thought that if I turned my blog into a forum for discussing the idiosyncrasies of and odd happenings with my pubescent (and in some cases prepubescent) children, I just might survive my first year of teaching. So, while I will, from time to time, discuss my disgust of my generation (oh, and happy moments when they roll), I have decided that it will be more beneficial to my mental health to vent about being a middle school English teacher.
A few things you should know right off the bat, I love teenagers. Truly. They are quirky and awkward and I LOVE that! They are often dealing with things way beyond MY maturity level because times have changed and they have a lot on their plates. As such, while they drive me nuts, I understand that they are trying their best to understand and be a part of this thing called life. All that aside, I am going to tell you the funny stories of my encounters with the most awkward of the adolescent years. On that note, here are a few of my favorite stories of the year thus far:
I have a student, bless his little heart, who LITERALLY (and for those of you who know me, I don't use that word lightly) picks his nose throughout the majority of class. We are talking fifty minutes of gold mining, here! It is so distracting! What do I do to make it stop? Do I put my box of tissues on his desk each day and say, "Here, try these. They are much more sanitary." Or do I call him out on it and subject him to enough embarrassment to scare him for life with the hopes of halting his hideous habit? I mean, I am not the only one who notices. Other teachers? For sure and I often wonder about this. If I am not the only teacher noticing his need to dig a little deeper, then how is there anything left for which to dig? It's not a bottomless pit of mucus! Other students have also caught on to his deed. They don't want to work with him or touch his papers because at least one of his fingers is stuck like a magnet up his left nostril. I, for that matter, hate grading his papers because the whole time I am thinking, "Dear golly, I am going to get a boogie on my finger!" I love my middle school students!
The Monday after Halloween, one of my students came to school with a different shade of locks. As he walked into the classroom I said, "Oh, John [name changed to protect identity] got a make-over over the weekend." To which another student, over hearing, replied, "Yeah, he was at a party and fell asleep and his buddies dyed his hair." I looked at her quizzically and inquired, "Fell asleep? Really? Do I have 'idiot' tattooed on my forehead?" She looked at me sheepishly and suggested no, but "I can't say what really happened, right?" "Right," I replied. Boy would I like to fall into a deep enough slumber that someone could dye my hair and I wouldn't wake up. Oh wait, I have covenanted not to do such things. I love my middle school students! (I know, isn't it sad that at such a young age they are already mixed up in this garbage.)
I love to scare my students. Being an English teacher, I have more than the usual teacher's opportunity to do so and have taken advantage of such opportunities a few times this year. The most recent incident occurred just this past week. I was reading aloud to my students, which I am want to do to break it up every now and then, and circulating the room to make sure they are following along (as all 'with it' teachers do-thanks Barb). At any rate, in the story we are currently studying, there is a scene where one of the characters scares another. I thought to myself, I have to do it! I simply cannot resist. So I tried it out with my second hour. The kids all have their faces in their books, not even paying attention to me, so it is all too easy. I picked my prey. I stalked up to her slowly like a feral cat after a field mouse, and when the timing what right I hunched over, stomped my right foot and yelled, "Boo!" right in her face! She jumped so high, she almost touched the ceiling (okay, not really, what element of literature is that?) It was golden. Made my day. We all had a good laugh and continued. Well, in my next hour, I tried the same thing to a student who is stone faced most of the time (as such, I have made it a goal to get her to smile as often as possible. Smile count: 1. But I am not giving up). Anyway, I got nothing. No reaction. She just looked up at me, while thinking, I am sure, "My teacher is an idiot and a freak." Whatever. I said, "Dang, you're good," and kept reading. My fifth hour victim had the best reaction. If only I could have taken a snap shot of his face for all to see. It was like he was at Nightmare on 13th and the guy with the chainsaw just jumped around the corner. He was mortified and jumped out of his desk. Then he yelled, "You're so mean!" I lost it. I could not stop laughing. In fact, there were moments later on in class where the image would pop back into my head and I would start laughing again. Golden.
More stories to come, but 1. they have to happen, and 2. I have to remember them. Enjoy!
Absolutely hilarious about the nose-picking child! He needs to know this isn't socially acceptable. Talk to the kid in private, after class. If that doesn't work then embarrass the kid. He'll thank you later, after he'll actually be able to get himself a date because he'll have his finger out of his nose long enough to dial her number.
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